My thoughts on post-partum depression/anxiety....PART ONE.

I'm currently stress-eating some juicy fruit gum because I am so nervous about writing this post.....
But here goes:

I have post-partum depression.

What is it? I think a more accurate question might be, what ISN'T it?

Its not easy.

And even though its incredibly debilitating, I didn't even know I had it....

So my purpose in writing this is to get the word out. To start more conversations about this disease. To find healing through shared experience...

How is it possible that I didn't even know I had post-partum depression? I'll do my best to explain and hopefully those of you who have wondered if you have it will gain the extra courage it takes to start down the road to recovery!

Flash back almost two years ago.....

Aiden and I were on our way to my sister's house, with my other sister and her kids on a busy highway in January. I heard Aiden crying hysterically and decided to get out of my seat to help him.

A small, quiet voice inside my head immediately responded with, "Don't get up. Its dangerous."
I ignored it and got up anyway....

The next thing I knew, my body was being thrown around that minivan like a rag doll on a rollercoaster...we were swerving all over the highway and there was nothing holding me back from smashing into each side of the inside of the van with every swerve we made.

I could feel the searing pain...but I had no idea where it hurt. I heard crashing and screaming....I later learned the person screaming was me....

My body was thrown hard against the captain's chair my niece was sitting in for the third time and I could hear myself saying...."Please, help us GOD......please help us!!!!"

I was gonna die.

We were swerving uncontrollably on the busiest highway in Utah ....in the fast lane. I waited for someone to hit us....My mind quickly moved to the thought of my sweet baby screaming hysterically in his car seat beside me.

Suddenly, a peace came over me....its was over.

I opened my eyes and was lying flat on my back in between the two captain's seats in the minivan. I blinked for a moment. Was I paralyzed? My back felt crushed....my arms felt broken. But there was no pain.

"I'm just going to see if I can lift my head up.." I thought to myself.

I slowly lifted my head and squinted at the sunshine streaming through the broken back window..

...and then I saw her...

My eyes moved to  the screaming and wailing I heard in the captain's chair I had crashed into so many times.

It was my niece....she was covered in blood. I lifted myself up more to try to get to her just as my 7-month pregnant sister who was driving was frantically trying to get the side door open to get to her as well. I watched her finally reach in, unbuckle my niece, and pull her out through the broken door window....

"Her head...oh my gosh....HER HEAD!!!" My sister grabbed a sweatshirt and pressed it to my niece's scalp....blood was gushing from it.

We learned later that she had smashed her head on shattered glass that literally scalped her....

Then the panic really set in....was she gonna die??

I could barely move but I forced myself up to see if my nephew  in the back seat was ok...

He was crying...and had a large abrasion on his forehead, but no blood.
I looked past him at out the broken window and gasped.

We had stopped in the middle of the fast lane.

I could see cars slamming on the brakes and swerving to miss us....

"Oh my gosh....oh my gosh...we need to get out of here...NOW!" I thought to myself. I crawled to the back seat over all the broken glass and grabbed my nephew.

Suddenly, I heard a voice saying....."Give him to me. Come on hurry. Give him to me."

A man was standing outside the broken side window with his arms stretched out...I carefully handed my nephew to him, trying not to slice his belly on the broken shards of glass poking up out of the window.

My baby....my baby!!

I suddenly realized he was crying too....it felt like I had cotton balls in my ears and everything was in slow motion.

"I'm in shock..." I told myself. "I can't feel any pain. I must be in shock."

I tried to clear my thoughts and I turned to my baby's car seat and lifted the visor.

And there he was.....perfect. Not a scratch. Not a piece of glass in sight.

He starting crying harder when he recognized me.

Suddenly, the other side door pulled open and a woman starting yelling at me.

"Are you ok? Are you ok??!" She screamed over the sound of the rushing traffic.
"Myyyy...my baby. Take my baby." I could barely get the words out. It hurt to talk. I bit down to try and annunciate better and realized I was crunching on something. I spit it out.
It was glass. And parts of my teeth...

"Oh honey!..." I heard the woman say. "I came right to you! I watched the whole accident happen from right behind you. Honey, you were thrown around like a rag doll. We need to get you to the hospital. I'm gonna take your baby to this nice lady's car....ok? Honey? Can you hear me?"

I just started blankly at her.

"She's in shock." Another woman said. "I'm an off-duty paramedic. Let me check the baby."

"I'm gonna check your baby, ok? " She said to me. I nodded.

"He looks good but we need to keep him in the car seat, ok? He could have trauma to his neck."

She unbuckled him and took him away.

The next few minutes are a blur to me...Someone found my phone and called my husband.

Two ambulances came.

Police and other drivers were everywhere.

I ended up in an ambulance. I remember lying there, staring back over my shoulder at my nephew in a head brace.

THEN it happened.

I felt like someone wrapped their hand around my ribs and started crushing them....I started wheezing. My head started spinning,,

"I....I....can....I can't, can't breathe!" I gasped as the words try to come out.

The next thing I knew, the paramedics were surrounding me. Oxygen mask....blood pressure cuff...I was being strapped down to a board. Something was being wrapped around me head.

My arms went numb first. Then my legs. Then my sight started to fade.

I had finally came out of shock and started trying to process the emotions I was feeling. My mind was so overwhelmed by the intense emotion and exhaustion that my body started shutting down.

It was like someone was sucking the life out of me.

It was a panic attack......



So, what does this have to do with post-partum depression/anxiety?

I have panic attacks now. Not because glass is shattering, my body is breaking, and my world is being destroyed....but because my son is crying, again. And my baby just spit up. And we have no groceries. And there are dirty diapers sitting on my floor. And my husband has no clean clothes. And I'm supposed to make food for someone... And....and.....and.

And that's my story. I have post-partum depression/anxiety and my day-today life feels like a car accident from two years ago. Everything crashing down around me and I am powerless. And when the exhaustion takes over and my mind tried to comprehend all the stress and emotion I am feeling, my body starts shutting down. I can't breathe. I feel like I have a Charlie-horse in my diaphragm. My arms start going numb. I am scared. I am so scared.

I am powerless. I am alone.

But, I'm not alone. And even though I am powerless, He isn't. He is all powerful...and we are working together to get through this!

There's more to this story....

and it sounds bleak, but I find new hope every day. I am working with an amazing doctor, an amazing husband, and an amazing Heavenly Father to get better, but I felt like I should be real about what its really like for me some days.

And what its like for you..

And what its like for millions of mammas out there.
But, lets talk about it. Lets be honest and open with each other so we can heal together! No one should have to go through this but, its so incredibly common and often undiagnosed. The more we talk about it, the more women we can help.

My sister and her children are doing really well, and are healthy, safe and happy. Her daughter got plastic surgery on her scalp, my nephew healed quickly from hitting his head, my little nephew was safe in the womb and is the craziest, cutest little thing! I was able to get chiropractic help and blessings from above to recover and Aiden was and is still perfectly healthy and happy. We were so incredibly blessed and watched over, and we still are!

There's more to talk about:)
PART TWO.....coming soon! :)

Ahhhem! Hemorrhoids.

Do you know how hard it is to spell hemorrhoids? Even spelling it is PAINFUL! In fact, the only reason I got it right(after a little help from spell check) is because I was starring at the box of suppositories(I call them bum bullets!) sitting on my bathroom sink this morning, wondering whether or not I should blog about these little nightmares. And, of course, the answer is always, "Yup!"

My sweet husband usually proofreads my latest blog posts before I post them on FB to check for errors, etc, and I usually get the same reaction from him:

"Wow, babe. Super funny! But, um, are you SURE you want people knowing that about you? Its kind of personal.."

He's always looking out for me.

But, in all fairness, I have worried that this blog might somehow backfire. Like someone might see me in a restaurant and be like, "Hey, any more good fart stories?"

Or someone might look at me and say, "Yup. I can see where those 28 pounds are going."

Luckily, nothing like that has happened.

In fact, I am sure I have made more friends BECAUSE of being maybe a little bit too honest. :)

So, with that in mind....let's talk about HEMORRHOIDS!

They are embarrassing. No butts about it! :)

And, no matter whether you have had them or not, you still tend to cringe in disgust when you hear about someone who has them or watch that awesome Preparation-H commercial where the people are literally squirming in their seats because it hurts to sit.

But, do to the MASSIVE amount of pressure on your rectum towards the last few weeks of pregnancy and the exertion and stress put there during labor, hemorrhoids are actually very common in pregnancy.

But, they're still gross. And painful. SO, laugh with me about it, will ya? Cuz that's how we cope.

Hemorroids hurt, pretty much all the time and are no respecter of persons...(anyone can get them..even this guy:

In fact, I'm positive I would actually have enjoyed Twilight if there were some hemorrhoid drama in there. I mean, vampire or not, you can't live THAT long without getting them. :)

And its VERY hard to hide the fact that you have them. You see this guy's face? I make that exact same face EVERY time I sit down. Yup. Pain...confusion....a complete lack of self-respect. You got it!

And I have tried just about everything out there too.

I remember calling my sister, who has had five children, and asking her what to do for my incredibly painful hemorrhoids during the last few weeks before I delivered my son. I ran down the list of products and methods I had used. She listened carefully as I exclaimed, "How do I get them to GO AWAY??!"

"Oh, that's easy." She said. "Just have the baby."

Of course. And she was right. Except that those little buggers(and they usually are anything but little) like to hang around after birth, just to remind you of how much you sacrificed to have that squishy, little baby.

SO, yeah. They don't go away...ever, actually. And they will flare up again with each pregnancy. You can opt to get them removed if they are numerous(my friend had six after her last baby), infected, or if they rupture. But for the most part, they do shrink, and you can forget about them....eventually.

We'll end with a story and I'll share with you the only tried and true method I have found to actually relieve the pain of hemorrhoids.

I asked my husband to get me some hemorrhoid cream from the store. It was bad. They popped up out of no where about a week ago and the pain was unbearable.

So he made a Wal-Mart trip with my toddler and managed to bring home chips and soda too. 'Cuz those actually help A LOT with hemorrhoids. :)

He handed my a package of suppositories(butt bullets) and apologized for not getting the cream instead. They didn't have any.

"Oh well," I thought. No biggie. I had used these things plenty of times before. I have lost all sense of dignity at this point in my pregnancy anyway....what's one more thing?

So I used one. And it is an incredibly awkward moment for anyone who has ever used a butt bullet. But, I started to feel a bit better, so, all was well.

Until I suddenly felt like I needed to go...number two.

Really? I thought. What a waste! Aarrrgh.

So I went number two. And re-deposited yet another butt bullet.

Which would have been fine, except that the EXACT SAME THING happened a few minutes later.
I had to go number two, AGAIN?? And then again, and then again. We're talking like 5 butt bullets in a matter of half an hour.

And what was worse, it sounded like something was exploding out of me each time. Like I was using those bullets as ammo in a bad WWII movie or something. And maybe someone would have died or at least gotten injured if they were a causality in this war or butt bullets!

P.S. If you haven't seen this YouTube Video of the farting Olympic skater, I highly recommend it. I laughed so I hard a I cried!

So, here I am, locked in the bathroom, already embarrassed about my plight, when I hear my husband walk by the door after I had, um, MASSIVELY farted for like a minute straight, only to hear him say, "Wow! Honey! Are you ok? Sheesh, babe!"

Apparently, hemorrhoid bullets can have a laxative effect on you. And I think "effect" is just putting it lightly....

Embarrassing? Gross? Too much information?

Of course. That's what this blog is about. Cuz that's what pregos do. We share way too much bodily information with perfect strangers:)

There is a happy ending to this story, though. And an even happier one that will be coming when the baby is out and post-partum is over!

But, the happy ending is that I actually found something that numbs the pain of hemorrhoids. Ready?

Canker sore ointment. That stuff you put on canker sores inside your mouth? I know, the relation of using the same ointment on two such distinctly different parts of your body sounds revolting, AND you definitely need to buy a new bottle if you decide to head south, but it WORKS!

You apply it where the swelling hurts the most, and it burns like nothing else for about 20 seconds, and then COMPLETELY NUMBS THE PAIN FOR HOURS. No joke.

Try it. You'll see what I mean.

So that's all for now. I can't sleep, I waddle uncontrollably when I walk, I have massive heartburn and stretch marks that look like I have been mauled by a bear, but I also have a sweet, little girl in my tummy who reminds me every day why I am doing this.

ONE MORE MONTH TO GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Heart-burned!

Aaaah, heartburn, we meet again!

Its not as if my love handles, stretch marks, and profuse sweating aren't attractive enough....lets add in massive, noxious gases rising through my esophagus at any given moment. THAT way, my husband will surely want to give me more babies some day. :)
I loved that this happened a few days ago...

Me: (leans in for a goodbye kiss)
Jess: (kisses me, cringes slightly, tries to HIDE that he is cringing)
Me: What? Is it my breath?
Jess: Um....(scared to say anything)
Me: It WAS my breath! Oh, sorry babe....this heartburn is killing me
Jess: It smells like, ya know, when someone is sick?.....(waiting for my reaction)
Me: Oh, you mean like, THROW UP? Awesome. Cuz I think I did just like throw up in my mouth, so I'll just avoid kissing you after that happens. <"not mad at you" smile>
Jess: Oh, um ok. <"really relieved he didn't make me cry" smile>

Lovely, eh?

And, of course, if you tell anyone that you (and your spouse) are suffering from your frequent heartburn they say things like:
     "Oh, thats good news! That means your baby will come out with LOTS of hair!"

Wouldn't it be GREAT if every nasty pregnancy symptom was accompanied by some blessed post-partum result, like:

"Oh, you're having frequent diarrhea? That means your son will be freakishly good-looking!"
OR
"Oh, you're sweating like a pig every night? Must be a little Mozart in there!"

But no, heartburn is the only symptom I've been congratulated on...

And I'm not celebrating. IN fact, I mourn the loss of my soul-satisfying pregnancy staples each time I see them:

And then, my mid-wife suggested TUMS.

"You mean those things that taste like chalk that my mom always eats?" I said to myself. "Not happening." But, my husband coerced me into getting some to help me sleep at night.

"I'll get you a really yummy kind this time." He said, trying to console me as I whined about having to eat those nasty things on the way home from my check-up.

I doubted that such a thing "yummy" TUMS existed and dreaded having to partake of the chalky little boogers.

 My husband came home with a bottle of TUMS that night and placed them on the table.

"Whenever you're ready..." he said, and walked away.

I stared at the bottle and suddenly felt like I was in a Western movie, right in the middle of a show down...

(ENTER random western showdown music) "cool whistle thing....waaah, waah, waah!")

It was just me, and the TUMS. And maybe some hay rolling in between us and some horses neighing in the background.....:)

WHY? You ask? Why the drama? Or Western reference?

Have you TRIED TUMS?....Its literally like going back into the 5th grade and having a bully make you eat chalk. And unless you have severe PICA(thats for my next post!) or are a toddler, its not going to be pleasant..

Then I thought about how it feels to lay down at night, eight months pregnant, after eating one of my two great loves in this life, pizza or cheeseburgers. It feels somethin' like this:

But, when you're desperate....

SO, I ate two of them. And they weren't that bad! In fact, I almost enjoyed myself.
I can now say that I am a believer of these little pills of goodness...they work like MAGIC!

Now, instead of feeling this way towards my favorite foods...

I can happily report that I am back in the game!

And although I have to wear a pregnancy jock-strap, I sweat like a pig, and I can't seem to not waddle when I walk, I still love the sweet little ninja inside of me who is worth every nasty, embarrassing burp.

Here's to pregnancy, in all its glory!

Embrace your inner sumo!

Lets just start with a quick recap of Jess and I's conversation from Saturday, shall we?..

Jess: Got a surprise for you!
Me: Oooh, nice.(Hoping its chocolate, or something that is smothered in chocolate)
(Jess walks over to me and hands me a brown Amazon package)
Me:......My jock strap!!! Yay!!!

"Jock strap??" You say, with a worried, puzzled, slightly offended look on your face...
Yup!
My prego jock strap that I ordered finally came in the mail.

NO amount of chocolate could compensate for the amount of joy this little lady brings to a pregnant women!
How did I get to this point? Lets go back a few weeks...

I was lying in my bed a few weeks earlier, pretending that I was falling asleep. You see, I go through this same routine every night. Roll around., stuff some pillows, go pee a couple of times, scratch my belly as if I had contracted some sort of plague on it...roll around some more, open a window, and by about 3-4AM, I am OUT, like a light.

Pleasant, yeah? I know all my fellow former and current pregos are probably saying, "Yup, sounds about right!"

Disastrous. EVERY NIGHT.

But this one night in particular, I began my usual toss and turn routine with one particular turn that could have started World War III, if any of the world wars involved prego women who just wanted to kill something...

I tried turning over to my right side, but was having little success due to the entanglement of my legs in my favorite comforter. I growled(yup, I growl) at my stupid comforter and then decided to orchestrate some sort of ninja kick to get my right leg out of the tangled comforter so I could turn over.

And then it happened....

I flung my right leg out of the covers and SNAP!, I felt like I had just ripped a whole in my womanhood.
Yeah.
OUCH!

I laid there in shock for minute and then let out a yell and started whimpering in pain.

Did I just give birth?

WHAT happened?

Suddenly, I felt like someone had kicked me. In my womanhood. And it was bad.

(Just in case you are wondering what I might be talking about, feel free to watch this part of What to Expect When You Are Expecting...)

Apparently, I had just put my body through some pretty extreme torture without even realizing it.

I eventually shed a few tears and fell asleep.
The next morning, I had an apt with my mid-wife and I explained to her that something wasn't feeling so good in the South Pole..
So, like a good lady doctor, she checked things out and told me I had varicose veins caused by the intense pressure of the weight of my belly bearing down on my womanhood.

Aaaah, yes, GREAT! Vericose veins....there??? Um. (In my mind I'm thinking..."should I blog about this??" :)

She proceeds to tell me about these wonderful "support devices" that help carry the weight of the baby and add compression to your womanhood to keep from injuring yourself(too late!), swelling, or in worse case scenarios, having a pre-term labor.

She highly recommended/prescribed one of them for me and promised "all would be well". If I got one....

I brought the brochure out to my sweet husband who wrestles with our toddler in the waiting room after we've heard the heartbeat and I have to talk "logistics" with my mid-wife.

"Honey, look!" I said, pointing to the picture of a woman, dressed in eighties aerobics gear wearing what looked like a jock strap, "look what I'M buying for you!" (wink, wink)

I was hoping he would think it was pregnancy lingerie....which, is kind of an oxy-moron, in my book anyway! :)

My version on pregnancy lingerie looks a bit more like THIS!

 

He gave me this really sweet look like,"Aaw, good idea honey!" And we both had a laugh at my expense....:)

 

On the way back home, I thought of as many jokes as possible to take my mind of the lack of sexiness that was about to become my life for the next two and half months..

 

I snorted out, already laughing at my own jokes I was telling myself in my head to keep from feeling depressed about my new life. "I could like buy a football jersey and just wear that with this thing, yeah? Lingerie, schmon-gerie!"

 

"Or, oooh, like a just a baseball helmet and that? Hahahaha?"(Again, this was all to myself... in my head)

 

So, fast forward two weeks or so as my husband hands me the package and I open it. Out comes my prego jock strap, in all its glory.

 

 

"Hey look!" I say to Jess, "it's got LACE on the crotch. Well, that does it. This is the sexiest thing I have EVER seen."

 

And with that, I went into our bathroom, put it on over my undergarments, and opened the door for my husband to see....

 

"Honey, check this out!" I said, and began my slapping my thighs in a crotched position in my best attempts to impersonate a sumo wrestler....

 

 

 









My husband laughed, gave me a wink and said, "You know, its really not that bad!"
Husband of the year?
You betcha.

SO, I decided to embrace my inner sumo, and so should you. Here's why:

1. The minute I put in on I felt 10 pounds lighter
2. My back stopped hurting
3. My hips felt like they were going to stay together instead of rip apart
4. My sciatic nerve stopped flaring up
5. I had more energy and LESS anger
6. It gave me an INSTANT BUTT LIFT.

The last reason ALONE should be enough, right? Instead of a nice slap to your buttocks-shaped jello mold, your husband will get a firm toosh slap, worthy of admiration!
So if that isn't enough to convince you to get one of these babies, these lacy sumo-jock straps, then you need to just get one and try it for yourself. If you are struggling with any of the above ailments and are anywhere from 20-39 weeks, I HIGHLY recommend these.

Because hey, your worth it. :)

Why God wants us to be emotional eaters...

Hi, friends! I have officially hit the third trimester...
HALLELUJAH!

When asked recently why I haven't blogged in a while, I have been responding with, "WELL, I got a little fatter. And I don't wanna talk about it."

Which is quite silly, considering that this blog is ALL about being overweight! 

So, I thought I would share some of my struggles about weight gain and also share what I'm learning to truly believe about it as well.

Struggle #1: I am an emotional eater

I eat when I am happy, sad, thrilled, disappointed...etc. Negative OR positive. Had a bad day? A snickers bar. Had a good day? A snickers bar. Obviously, no waistline can handle such nonsense. So here's what I found on the matter:

Lesson #1: God wants us to be emotional eaters.
<shock and awe>
Now before you go crying, "blasphemy!"...lemme 'splain.

(For those of you wondering where I got this scripture from, please msg me and I will explain!)

Doctrine and Covenants Section 59:16-20

"Verily I say, that inasmuch as ye do this, the fulness of the earth is yours, the beasts of the field and the fowls of the air, and that which climbeth upon the trees and walketh upon the earth;

Yea, and the herb, and the ^agood things which come of the earth, whether for food or for ^braiment, or for houses, or for barns, or for orchards, or for gardens, or for vineyards;

Yea, all things which come of the earth, in the season thereof, are made for the ^abenefit and the ^buse of man, both to please the eye and to ^cgladden the heart;

Yea, for ^afood and for raiment, for taste and for smell, to^bstrengthen the body and to enliven the soul.

And it pleaseth God that he hath given all these things unto man; for unto this end were they made to be used, with judgment, not to ^aexcess, neither by extortion.

Doesn't that sound like a description of emotional eating to you?? It sure does to me. Textbook definition.

Now, if I could sum up these scriptures in one picture, it would be this one!

Heavenly Father WANTS us to giggle about what we eat...and crave it...and dream about it. And, I believe, to rely on it to comfort and please us. But, there are a few key points, that I bolded, that must be met in order for Him, and our souls, to be pleased with what we are eating.

I believe that emotional eating is a God-given blessing of mortality and can bring immense joy and satisfaction, IF, and its a big IF, it follows God's guidelines from these verses...so here they are with a personal interpretation from my own thoughts(not doctrine). :)

Guideline #1: The good things which come of the earth

I'm not sure that Snickers bars qualify...even if they have yummy peanuts! I think God knows that the purest, and healthiest foods bring us the MOST joy, not only to our bodies, but to our spirits as well. In fact, He even likens the joy of living the Gospel of Jesus Christ to eating a delicious fruit. 

He knows better than anyone what happiness is and how to get it. The more we listen(me especially) to His counsel on eating, the happier we will be. 

Guideline #2: The fullness of the earth

To me, this means eating a variety of foods and experiencing all that God made for us. I can't say that I'm the best at this, but I have found that the more open I am to trying new things, the more things I learn to love and the healthier. 

Quinoa? Why not? I don't even know how to pronounce it, but it just might change my life.

Guideline #3 To strengthen the body and enliven the soul

When is the last time junk food "enlivened" your soul?? To be honest...never. I really mean that. I always think that somehow, ice cream sandwiches are going to feel like hugs, but they never do!

So, why doesn't ice cream( in all honesty) enliven our souls? Because it doesn't strengthen our bodies..! SO thats it! 

I think most of us know that bad food isn't good for our bodies, BUT, what I didn't realize is that I am eating the wrong kind of comfort food!

Guideline #4: To please the eye and gladden the heart

Now, really, how eye pleasing is this??

It doesn't take an artist to realize there is no eye-pleasing going on here...

This, however.

...is gorgeous!

Guideline #5: To be used with judgement, not in excess or extortion.

What would excess or extortion look like in relation to cherries?....hmmm. Like this, maybe?

Now, am I saying its a sin to eat cherry pie? No. Definitely. I AM saying, that this is exactly what God warns will NOT bring us comfort...in fact, it brings the opposite. Because, it is in excess and extorts cherries in their natural state and purpose.

If that sounds political, somehow, I apologize. But, it does bring to light what man has done to God's version of comfort food. We have perverted it. And wrapped it up to look like happiness when in reality, it often brings heart ache(literally) and despair. 

SOOOO, whats the point of me saying all of this.....? I am living this way now. Heavens, no. Far from it. But thats obvious to anyone who has seen me lately.:)

This is how I want to live. HEALTHY FOOD IS THE ORIGINAL COMFORT FOOD. Only man decided to change that, not God.

But, with all good things that we learn, there must be a change of heart and mind to cause those truths to really change our lives.

So, my new goal is to learn to love the REAL, God-given, sanctioned, comfort food. 

When I have a bad day, I want to binge out on pineapple.

When we get a raise, I want to celebrate with yogurt.

When I feel like the world is ending, I'm gonna drown my sorrows in grape juice....

Because I would like REAL comfort food. Yes, please!

I accidently ate all my feelings..

  Hello, friends! It's been a little while since I posted anything. That might have been because I moved to a new place and then moved to Hawaii for two weeks! Woot, woot! But I haven't forgotten about my blog and my goal to give everyone a good laugh, so here goes it...
   First off, let me go ahead and weigh in. 22 weeks pregnant and I weighed 199 this morning. I know!! Yikes. Never, EVER did I think I could weigh almost 200 pounds, and, I had no idea I was going to gain that much weight so fast.
  I weighed myself before leaving for Hawaii and the scale said 194.5 and I was twenty weeks pregnant. That put me at about 6 pounds gained. And even then, I wasn't happy. Thats not horrible, but I really didn't want to put on any weight...at all. So it was hard. And then this morning, to see the scale at 199 only two weeks later was depressing beyond belief. YIKES! That's 10.5 pounds gained. And even though that puts me on track to only gain about 20-25, its still hard.
  But let me just say that all my good habits pretty much died a painful death as well in the last month or so. I was drinking lots of water, walking a lot, and snacking on fruit and yogurt. Am I really that surprised that a diet of shaved ice, kalua pig, and chocolate covered macadamia nuts didn't help me stay low on my weight gain? No, not really. :)
I pretty much went from this:

 To this:

Why? You say..Why would anyone change their eating habits  so drastically? Or wear curlers? One word. HORMONES. Story time!!

   Jess and I were out to eat with his Aunt and Uncle a few days ago at a yummy, Mexican restaurant called Costa Vida. Mmmm. How it works is that you get up to the counter, give your order, and then follow them down the line as they ask you questions about what you want on your order.  Now, I don't mind Costa Vida, but I'm kind of Cafe Rio fanatic and I wasn't sure if this place could live up to my expectations. When you're pregnant, its all about your expectations when it comes to food. Like, if I know I'm going to eat a yummy dinner, I get excited about it a week beforehand. And if it falls through, I am DEVASTATED! So, I felt emotionally unbalanced walking into the restaurant because I didn't know if I should be excited or not.

  Just to give you an idea of how insane my relationship with food is right now, lemme script out the scenario for you.
(Hungry pregnant woman enters the scene followed by her husband and young toddler into the Costa Vida. She walks up to the menu and quickly glances over it.)
Jess: Honey, you ok?
Me: Yeah, why?
Jess: You look angry....
Me: Do I?
Jess: Yeah. Are you sure your hungry? Cuz you just look angry.
Me: I'm always hungry! Just can't decide what I want to get. I haven't eaten here in a while.
(A minute goes by and the rest of the group is ready to order)
Jess: Liz...are you sad, or something? Whats wrong?
Me: Oh, um...nothing is sounding good to me...(quivering lip)
Jess: You don't have to get anything.
(Liz looks even sadder)
Me: But I want to! I'm gonna get, um, THAT! Yeah, that. (Points to a random spot on the board.)
Jess: Yyyyeah. Ok. Just get whatever you want babe. (Looks confused.)
(Liz order the sweet pork casedilla, but looks even more depressed once she realizes they don't have the kind of sauce she likes)
Counter Guy: Would like red or green sauce, Ma'am?
(Awkward silence. Some more awkward silence)
Counter Guy: Ma'am?....
Me: Um, well, its just that, um....I don't like ANY of those!!(Tears welling up, only Jess notices)
Counter Guy: I could put some ranch on it?(looks scared)
Me: OOh, yeah! Do that!
(Counter guy walks over to the ranch as Liz notices its the yummy kind of ranch they use at Cafe Rio, her favorite Mexican restaurant.)
Counter Guy: Is this ok?(Holds up ladle so Liz can see it)
Me: OOOOOHHHH....yyyyeah!!! Thats the good kind. Ok, YAY!!!(Starts clapping and jumping up and down)
Before the ranch dressing reveal:

 After:

    ...Not even exaggerating. Jess looked at me like I was nuts..You would have thought it was an episode of Extreme Home Makeover. THAT'S how excited I was.
    Now, when your ENTIRE emotional stability rides on whether or not the yummy ranch sauce will be accompanying your meal, you might be pregnant.

  Don't ask me why this is, because I have NO IDEA. But I can tell you that its really nuts. And I have no way to stop it. But, I can only say that its just part of the ride. :)

That one time I peed my pants....a little.

   So, remember how I said that 2.5 pounds would be back on in a jiffy? Its back! Plus an extra pound. That puts me at 19 weeks and 3.5 pounds gained. Not too bad, but I have gotta start exercising more. We are currently figuring out our gym membership due to some neglectful day care attendees(they couldn't find my son when I came to pick him up after working out and then realized he was locked in the bathroom, covered in toilet water, playing in the trash!) Yeah, so I had some words with the manager....BUT, that's no excuse for me to not exercise. So, hopefully by my next post I will have better news about my exercising.

   Things have been great in my home, but a little crazy. We moved to a bigger apartment that we absolutely love, but I am learning more and more about the necessity of baby-proofing, or should I say, "toddler-proofing", because babies are actually harmless. Toddlers, however, are pricey, sassy little buggers.
  I was sitting in our bedroom one day when I realized that my toddler had left the room....and so had my cell phone. I cringed as I heard a somewhat small, electronic-device-sounding splash come from the hallway bathroom and raced to find my Iphone 4S, sinking to its death and ultimate demise.

"Rest in peace, 4S....you lived a long, fulfilling life and died a tragic death. You will be missed."

    Lets just say my husband and I were beyond frustrated at this point with my son's toilet obsession. Unless, of course, he wants to potty-train himself. Then we're kosher. So, we made the long, arduous journey to Babies-R-US and headed to the baby-isle.
"Can I help you?" Said a nice, matronly, grandmother-type salesperson.
"Yes," I said, "we'd like to prevent any more of our cell phones from drowning in our toilet. Where can we find baby-proofing for toilets?"
"Oh," she said, glancing at my toddler, who was probably picking his nose at that exact moment, "I know exactly what you mean.<understanding, matronly, smile> "Let me show you the best one we have."
She walked me over to what looked like some sort of toddler-torture device.
"Perfect!" I thought to myself. "Maybe it squirts them in the face if they set off the laser, motion activated scanner...thing. Or something...."
Don't get me wrong, I love my son. But when $500 worth of merchandise goes the way of the dinosaurs because of him, I don't mind the idea of him getting a little bit of discipline in his life.
This technique seems promising as well:

  But my daydream ended when I heard her say, "Fair warning, though. I've had parents bring these back because they were so hard to open that even they couldn't figure them out." And then she walked away.
"Who do I look like?" I thought to myself, "Britney Spears??"

"Please...I can figure this thing out and we are getting it!" So, we did.
My husband installed it that night and gave me a tutorial on how to "unlock" it so I could use the toilet.
"You see this button?" He said. "You just push this button in, and while holding it down, push the handle in, and turn it to the right." He demonstrated.
"Like this?" I said, and did as he showed and told me to.
"Yup!" he said. "Looks like the lady at the store was wrong. We got this!"
....Can you feel the foreshadowing?....

   The next morning, I heard my toddler swearing from the bathroom.
"Dag ga BADda Schoom MAAAAAA!"(That's toddler profanity, for those of you who haven't heard it yet)
"YES!" I thought to myself. "SUCCESS!...Muwaahahahahahah!"(That's momma profanity, for those of you who haven't heard that yet)
He couldn't get the toilet-proofing device off the toilet. Hence, no splashy-splashy in the poopy-poopy.
Needless to say, he was furious, and I was elated. He couldn't get the toilet open! I was soon to find out, however, that he wasn't the only one...
   For most women, going pee several times a day is normal. And for most pregos, going pee every other hour is normal, and several times throughout the night.
  Well, nature called, and I decided to go use our master bathroom and avoid the toddler drama. I sat down, let nature do her thing, and then realized, MID STREAM, that there was no toilet paper. None. I stopped, held it, and started feeling the life drain from my body, instead of the pee. My heart started racing, my breath sped up, and I could feel my hands starting to shake.
 "Really?" You're thinking right now. "All that from having to hold your pee?"
But if you've ever been pregnant, you know EXACTLY what I am talking about. THERE IS NO ROOM. Sweet, baby bunting is hogging it ALL. So, when you gotta go, you GOTTA go. Or death. That's just how it is.

 AND, to get to go and then have to stop, mid-stream, is just plain mean.
But there was no toilet paper!
"What do I do? What do I do? Drip dry? Yeah, maybe drip dry.....and then, "Eeew. Nope, I NEED toilet paper!"
Then I remembered there was some in the other bathroom. My toddler's bathroom. The one that was booby trapped.
"I totally got that thing to work last night," I thought, "no biggie!"
So I waddled, ahem, to the other bathroom and started following my husbands instructions.
"Okay...okay...push the thing, and then...turn the, other thing...and AAAAAH, WHY ISN'T IT WORKING???!!
At this point, I am DYING. I have to pee so badly that my vision is starting to blur.

"Oh my gosh, oh my gosh...." I said to myself, "breathe Liz, BREATHE!" The pain was intolerable.
(Ya know, they really should have Lamaze classes dedicated just to teaching you how to hold your pee while pregnant and breathe at the same time.) 

I then decided that maybe Britney and I had more in common than I wanted to admit, and I gave up on trying to figure out this simple, yet deadly, device.
I waddled back to my bathroom and continued my journey......I peed. A lot.
I then realized I was back to my original dilemma. NO toilet paper. So, I called out to my toddler, who was no where in sight.
"Aiden! AIDEN! Momma's sorry she took away your favorite toy. If you bring me some toilet paper, I will let you play in the toilet as MUCH as you WANT today........<silence> Aiden? AAAIDEEEEEN!!!"
Now, let me remind you, my toddler understands two words: Milk, and Ball. Why I thought I could somehow get him to understand that mommy needed him to get me some toilet paper, I don't know.
So, I went "girl's camp style", flushed the toilet, pulled my pants up, and walked out of my room to find my toddler standing in the hallway with a strange, semi-frightened look on his face and no toilet paper in hand.
"Awesome." I thought. "Just awesome."
Maybe there really is such a thing as karma. You punish your toddler...he punishes you back. Bladder style.
"Why didn't you just grab some toilet paper and go back to the other bathroom in the first place?" You say?
Because, then I wouldn't have been able to blog about it. :)