Heart-burned!

Aaaah, heartburn, we meet again!

Its not as if my love handles, stretch marks, and profuse sweating aren't attractive enough....lets add in massive, noxious gases rising through my esophagus at any given moment. THAT way, my husband will surely want to give me more babies some day. :)
I loved that this happened a few days ago...

Me: (leans in for a goodbye kiss)
Jess: (kisses me, cringes slightly, tries to HIDE that he is cringing)
Me: What? Is it my breath?
Jess: Um....(scared to say anything)
Me: It WAS my breath! Oh, sorry babe....this heartburn is killing me
Jess: It smells like, ya know, when someone is sick?.....(waiting for my reaction)
Me: Oh, you mean like, THROW UP? Awesome. Cuz I think I did just like throw up in my mouth, so I'll just avoid kissing you after that happens. <"not mad at you" smile>
Jess: Oh, um ok. <"really relieved he didn't make me cry" smile>

Lovely, eh?

And, of course, if you tell anyone that you (and your spouse) are suffering from your frequent heartburn they say things like:
     "Oh, thats good news! That means your baby will come out with LOTS of hair!"

Wouldn't it be GREAT if every nasty pregnancy symptom was accompanied by some blessed post-partum result, like:

"Oh, you're having frequent diarrhea? That means your son will be freakishly good-looking!"
OR
"Oh, you're sweating like a pig every night? Must be a little Mozart in there!"

But no, heartburn is the only symptom I've been congratulated on...

And I'm not celebrating. IN fact, I mourn the loss of my soul-satisfying pregnancy staples each time I see them:

And then, my mid-wife suggested TUMS.

"You mean those things that taste like chalk that my mom always eats?" I said to myself. "Not happening." But, my husband coerced me into getting some to help me sleep at night.

"I'll get you a really yummy kind this time." He said, trying to console me as I whined about having to eat those nasty things on the way home from my check-up.

I doubted that such a thing "yummy" TUMS existed and dreaded having to partake of the chalky little boogers.

 My husband came home with a bottle of TUMS that night and placed them on the table.

"Whenever you're ready..." he said, and walked away.

I stared at the bottle and suddenly felt like I was in a Western movie, right in the middle of a show down...

(ENTER random western showdown music) "cool whistle thing....waaah, waah, waah!")

It was just me, and the TUMS. And maybe some hay rolling in between us and some horses neighing in the background.....:)

WHY? You ask? Why the drama? Or Western reference?

Have you TRIED TUMS?....Its literally like going back into the 5th grade and having a bully make you eat chalk. And unless you have severe PICA(thats for my next post!) or are a toddler, its not going to be pleasant..

Then I thought about how it feels to lay down at night, eight months pregnant, after eating one of my two great loves in this life, pizza or cheeseburgers. It feels somethin' like this:

But, when you're desperate....

SO, I ate two of them. And they weren't that bad! In fact, I almost enjoyed myself.
I can now say that I am a believer of these little pills of goodness...they work like MAGIC!

Now, instead of feeling this way towards my favorite foods...

I can happily report that I am back in the game!

And although I have to wear a pregnancy jock-strap, I sweat like a pig, and I can't seem to not waddle when I walk, I still love the sweet little ninja inside of me who is worth every nasty, embarrassing burp.

Here's to pregnancy, in all its glory!