Ahhhem! Hemorrhoids.

Do you know how hard it is to spell hemorrhoids? Even spelling it is PAINFUL! In fact, the only reason I got it right(after a little help from spell check) is because I was starring at the box of suppositories(I call them bum bullets!) sitting on my bathroom sink this morning, wondering whether or not I should blog about these little nightmares. And, of course, the answer is always, "Yup!"

My sweet husband usually proofreads my latest blog posts before I post them on FB to check for errors, etc, and I usually get the same reaction from him:

"Wow, babe. Super funny! But, um, are you SURE you want people knowing that about you? Its kind of personal.."

He's always looking out for me.

But, in all fairness, I have worried that this blog might somehow backfire. Like someone might see me in a restaurant and be like, "Hey, any more good fart stories?"

Or someone might look at me and say, "Yup. I can see where those 28 pounds are going."

Luckily, nothing like that has happened.

In fact, I am sure I have made more friends BECAUSE of being maybe a little bit too honest. :)

So, with that in mind....let's talk about HEMORRHOIDS!

They are embarrassing. No butts about it! :)

And, no matter whether you have had them or not, you still tend to cringe in disgust when you hear about someone who has them or watch that awesome Preparation-H commercial where the people are literally squirming in their seats because it hurts to sit.

But, do to the MASSIVE amount of pressure on your rectum towards the last few weeks of pregnancy and the exertion and stress put there during labor, hemorrhoids are actually very common in pregnancy.

But, they're still gross. And painful. SO, laugh with me about it, will ya? Cuz that's how we cope.

Hemorroids hurt, pretty much all the time and are no respecter of persons...(anyone can get them..even this guy:

In fact, I'm positive I would actually have enjoyed Twilight if there were some hemorrhoid drama in there. I mean, vampire or not, you can't live THAT long without getting them. :)

And its VERY hard to hide the fact that you have them. You see this guy's face? I make that exact same face EVERY time I sit down. Yup. Pain...confusion....a complete lack of self-respect. You got it!

And I have tried just about everything out there too.

I remember calling my sister, who has had five children, and asking her what to do for my incredibly painful hemorrhoids during the last few weeks before I delivered my son. I ran down the list of products and methods I had used. She listened carefully as I exclaimed, "How do I get them to GO AWAY??!"

"Oh, that's easy." She said. "Just have the baby."

Of course. And she was right. Except that those little buggers(and they usually are anything but little) like to hang around after birth, just to remind you of how much you sacrificed to have that squishy, little baby.

SO, yeah. They don't go away...ever, actually. And they will flare up again with each pregnancy. You can opt to get them removed if they are numerous(my friend had six after her last baby), infected, or if they rupture. But for the most part, they do shrink, and you can forget about them....eventually.

We'll end with a story and I'll share with you the only tried and true method I have found to actually relieve the pain of hemorrhoids.

I asked my husband to get me some hemorrhoid cream from the store. It was bad. They popped up out of no where about a week ago and the pain was unbearable.

So he made a Wal-Mart trip with my toddler and managed to bring home chips and soda too. 'Cuz those actually help A LOT with hemorrhoids. :)

He handed my a package of suppositories(butt bullets) and apologized for not getting the cream instead. They didn't have any.

"Oh well," I thought. No biggie. I had used these things plenty of times before. I have lost all sense of dignity at this point in my pregnancy anyway....what's one more thing?

So I used one. And it is an incredibly awkward moment for anyone who has ever used a butt bullet. But, I started to feel a bit better, so, all was well.

Until I suddenly felt like I needed to go...number two.

Really? I thought. What a waste! Aarrrgh.

So I went number two. And re-deposited yet another butt bullet.

Which would have been fine, except that the EXACT SAME THING happened a few minutes later.
I had to go number two, AGAIN?? And then again, and then again. We're talking like 5 butt bullets in a matter of half an hour.

And what was worse, it sounded like something was exploding out of me each time. Like I was using those bullets as ammo in a bad WWII movie or something. And maybe someone would have died or at least gotten injured if they were a causality in this war or butt bullets!

P.S. If you haven't seen this YouTube Video of the farting Olympic skater, I highly recommend it. I laughed so I hard a I cried!

So, here I am, locked in the bathroom, already embarrassed about my plight, when I hear my husband walk by the door after I had, um, MASSIVELY farted for like a minute straight, only to hear him say, "Wow! Honey! Are you ok? Sheesh, babe!"

Apparently, hemorrhoid bullets can have a laxative effect on you. And I think "effect" is just putting it lightly....

Embarrassing? Gross? Too much information?

Of course. That's what this blog is about. Cuz that's what pregos do. We share way too much bodily information with perfect strangers:)

There is a happy ending to this story, though. And an even happier one that will be coming when the baby is out and post-partum is over!

But, the happy ending is that I actually found something that numbs the pain of hemorrhoids. Ready?

Canker sore ointment. That stuff you put on canker sores inside your mouth? I know, the relation of using the same ointment on two such distinctly different parts of your body sounds revolting, AND you definitely need to buy a new bottle if you decide to head south, but it WORKS!

You apply it where the swelling hurts the most, and it burns like nothing else for about 20 seconds, and then COMPLETELY NUMBS THE PAIN FOR HOURS. No joke.

Try it. You'll see what I mean.

So that's all for now. I can't sleep, I waddle uncontrollably when I walk, I have massive heartburn and stretch marks that look like I have been mauled by a bear, but I also have a sweet, little girl in my tummy who reminds me every day why I am doing this.

ONE MORE MONTH TO GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!