Jess: Got a surprise for you!
Me: Oooh, nice.(Hoping its chocolate, or something that is smothered in chocolate)
(Jess walks over to me and hands me a brown Amazon package)
Me:......My jock strap!!! Yay!!!
"Jock strap??" You say, with a worried, puzzled, slightly offended look on your face...
Yup!
My prego jock strap that I ordered finally came in the mail.
NO amount of chocolate could compensate for the amount of joy this little lady brings to a pregnant women!
How did I get to this point? Lets go back a few weeks...
I was lying in my bed a few weeks earlier, pretending that I was falling asleep. You see, I go through this same routine every night. Roll around., stuff some pillows, go pee a couple of times, scratch my belly as if I had contracted some sort of plague on it...roll around some more, open a window, and by about 3-4AM, I am OUT, like a light.
Pleasant, yeah? I know all my fellow former and current pregos are probably saying, "Yup, sounds about right!"
Disastrous. EVERY NIGHT.
But this one night in particular, I began my usual toss and turn routine with one particular turn that could have started World War III, if any of the world wars involved prego women who just wanted to kill something...
I tried turning over to my right side, but was having little success due to the entanglement of my legs in my favorite comforter. I growled(yup, I growl) at my stupid comforter and then decided to orchestrate some sort of ninja kick to get my right leg out of the tangled comforter so I could turn over.
And then it happened....
I flung my right leg out of the covers and SNAP!, I felt like I had just ripped a whole in my womanhood.
Yeah.
OUCH!
I laid there in shock for minute and then let out a yell and started whimpering in pain.
Did I just give birth?
WHAT happened?
Suddenly, I felt like someone had kicked me. In my womanhood. And it was bad.
(Just in case you are wondering what I might be talking about, feel free to watch this part of What to Expect When You Are Expecting...)
Apparently, I had just put my body through some pretty extreme torture without even realizing it.
I eventually shed a few tears and fell asleep.
The next morning, I had an apt with my mid-wife and I explained to her that something wasn't feeling so good in the South Pole..
So, like a good lady doctor, she checked things out and told me I had varicose veins caused by the intense pressure of the weight of my belly bearing down on my womanhood.
Aaaah, yes, GREAT! Vericose veins....there??? Um. (In my mind I'm thinking..."should I blog about this??" :)
She proceeds to tell me about these wonderful "support devices" that help carry the weight of the baby and add compression to your womanhood to keep from injuring yourself(too late!), swelling, or in worse case scenarios, having a pre-term labor.
She highly recommended/prescribed one of them for me and promised "all would be well". If I got one....
I brought the brochure out to my sweet husband who wrestles with our toddler in the waiting room after we've heard the heartbeat and I have to talk "logistics" with my mid-wife.
"Honey, look!" I said, pointing to the picture of a woman, dressed in eighties aerobics gear wearing what looked like a jock strap, "look what I'M buying for you!" (wink, wink)
I was hoping he would think it was pregnancy lingerie....which, is kind of an oxy-moron, in my book anyway! :)
My version on pregnancy lingerie looks a bit more like THIS!
He gave me this really sweet look like,"Aaw, good idea honey!" And we both had a laugh at my expense....:)
On the way back home, I thought of as many jokes as possible to take my mind of the lack of sexiness that was about to become my life for the next two and half months..
I snorted out, already laughing at my own jokes I was telling myself in my head to keep from feeling depressed about my new life. "I could like buy a football jersey and just wear that with this thing, yeah? Lingerie, schmon-gerie!"
"Or, oooh, like a just a baseball helmet and that? Hahahaha?"(Again, this was all to myself... in my head)
So, fast forward two weeks or so as my husband hands me the package and I open it. Out comes my prego jock strap, in all its glory.
"Hey look!" I say to Jess, "it's got LACE on the crotch. Well, that does it. This is the sexiest thing I have EVER seen."
And with that, I went into our bathroom, put it on over my undergarments, and opened the door for my husband to see....
"Honey, check this out!" I said, and began my slapping my thighs in a crotched position in my best attempts to impersonate a sumo wrestler....
My husband laughed, gave me a wink and said, "You know, its really not that bad!"Husband of the year?
You betcha.
SO, I decided to embrace my inner sumo, and so should you. Here's why:
1. The minute I put in on I felt 10 pounds lighter
2. My back stopped hurting
3. My hips felt like they were going to stay together instead of rip apart
4. My sciatic nerve stopped flaring up
5. I had more energy and LESS anger
6. It gave me an INSTANT BUTT LIFT.
The last reason ALONE should be enough, right? Instead of a nice slap to your buttocks-shaped jello mold, your husband will get a firm toosh slap, worthy of admiration!
So if that isn't enough to convince you to get one of these babies, these lacy sumo-jock straps, then you need to just get one and try it for yourself. If you are struggling with any of the above ailments and are anywhere from 20-39 weeks, I HIGHLY recommend these.
Because hey, your worth it. :)
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