My thoughts on post-partum depression/anxiety....PART ONE.

I'm currently stress-eating some juicy fruit gum because I am so nervous about writing this post.....
But here goes:

I have post-partum depression.

What is it? I think a more accurate question might be, what ISN'T it?

Its not easy.

And even though its incredibly debilitating, I didn't even know I had it....

So my purpose in writing this is to get the word out. To start more conversations about this disease. To find healing through shared experience...

How is it possible that I didn't even know I had post-partum depression? I'll do my best to explain and hopefully those of you who have wondered if you have it will gain the extra courage it takes to start down the road to recovery!

Flash back almost two years ago.....

Aiden and I were on our way to my sister's house, with my other sister and her kids on a busy highway in January. I heard Aiden crying hysterically and decided to get out of my seat to help him.

A small, quiet voice inside my head immediately responded with, "Don't get up. Its dangerous."
I ignored it and got up anyway....

The next thing I knew, my body was being thrown around that minivan like a rag doll on a rollercoaster...we were swerving all over the highway and there was nothing holding me back from smashing into each side of the inside of the van with every swerve we made.

I could feel the searing pain...but I had no idea where it hurt. I heard crashing and screaming....I later learned the person screaming was me....

My body was thrown hard against the captain's chair my niece was sitting in for the third time and I could hear myself saying...."Please, help us GOD......please help us!!!!"

I was gonna die.

We were swerving uncontrollably on the busiest highway in Utah ....in the fast lane. I waited for someone to hit us....My mind quickly moved to the thought of my sweet baby screaming hysterically in his car seat beside me.

Suddenly, a peace came over me....its was over.

I opened my eyes and was lying flat on my back in between the two captain's seats in the minivan. I blinked for a moment. Was I paralyzed? My back felt crushed....my arms felt broken. But there was no pain.

"I'm just going to see if I can lift my head up.." I thought to myself.

I slowly lifted my head and squinted at the sunshine streaming through the broken back window..

...and then I saw her...

My eyes moved to  the screaming and wailing I heard in the captain's chair I had crashed into so many times.

It was my niece....she was covered in blood. I lifted myself up more to try to get to her just as my 7-month pregnant sister who was driving was frantically trying to get the side door open to get to her as well. I watched her finally reach in, unbuckle my niece, and pull her out through the broken door window....

"Her head...oh my gosh....HER HEAD!!!" My sister grabbed a sweatshirt and pressed it to my niece's scalp....blood was gushing from it.

We learned later that she had smashed her head on shattered glass that literally scalped her....

Then the panic really set in....was she gonna die??

I could barely move but I forced myself up to see if my nephew  in the back seat was ok...

He was crying...and had a large abrasion on his forehead, but no blood.
I looked past him at out the broken window and gasped.

We had stopped in the middle of the fast lane.

I could see cars slamming on the brakes and swerving to miss us....

"Oh my gosh....oh my gosh...we need to get out of here...NOW!" I thought to myself. I crawled to the back seat over all the broken glass and grabbed my nephew.

Suddenly, I heard a voice saying....."Give him to me. Come on hurry. Give him to me."

A man was standing outside the broken side window with his arms stretched out...I carefully handed my nephew to him, trying not to slice his belly on the broken shards of glass poking up out of the window.

My baby....my baby!!

I suddenly realized he was crying too....it felt like I had cotton balls in my ears and everything was in slow motion.

"I'm in shock..." I told myself. "I can't feel any pain. I must be in shock."

I tried to clear my thoughts and I turned to my baby's car seat and lifted the visor.

And there he was.....perfect. Not a scratch. Not a piece of glass in sight.

He starting crying harder when he recognized me.

Suddenly, the other side door pulled open and a woman starting yelling at me.

"Are you ok? Are you ok??!" She screamed over the sound of the rushing traffic.
"Myyyy...my baby. Take my baby." I could barely get the words out. It hurt to talk. I bit down to try and annunciate better and realized I was crunching on something. I spit it out.
It was glass. And parts of my teeth...

"Oh honey!..." I heard the woman say. "I came right to you! I watched the whole accident happen from right behind you. Honey, you were thrown around like a rag doll. We need to get you to the hospital. I'm gonna take your baby to this nice lady's car....ok? Honey? Can you hear me?"

I just started blankly at her.

"She's in shock." Another woman said. "I'm an off-duty paramedic. Let me check the baby."

"I'm gonna check your baby, ok? " She said to me. I nodded.

"He looks good but we need to keep him in the car seat, ok? He could have trauma to his neck."

She unbuckled him and took him away.

The next few minutes are a blur to me...Someone found my phone and called my husband.

Two ambulances came.

Police and other drivers were everywhere.

I ended up in an ambulance. I remember lying there, staring back over my shoulder at my nephew in a head brace.

THEN it happened.

I felt like someone wrapped their hand around my ribs and started crushing them....I started wheezing. My head started spinning,,

"I....I....can....I can't, can't breathe!" I gasped as the words try to come out.

The next thing I knew, the paramedics were surrounding me. Oxygen mask....blood pressure cuff...I was being strapped down to a board. Something was being wrapped around me head.

My arms went numb first. Then my legs. Then my sight started to fade.

I had finally came out of shock and started trying to process the emotions I was feeling. My mind was so overwhelmed by the intense emotion and exhaustion that my body started shutting down.

It was like someone was sucking the life out of me.

It was a panic attack......



So, what does this have to do with post-partum depression/anxiety?

I have panic attacks now. Not because glass is shattering, my body is breaking, and my world is being destroyed....but because my son is crying, again. And my baby just spit up. And we have no groceries. And there are dirty diapers sitting on my floor. And my husband has no clean clothes. And I'm supposed to make food for someone... And....and.....and.

And that's my story. I have post-partum depression/anxiety and my day-today life feels like a car accident from two years ago. Everything crashing down around me and I am powerless. And when the exhaustion takes over and my mind tried to comprehend all the stress and emotion I am feeling, my body starts shutting down. I can't breathe. I feel like I have a Charlie-horse in my diaphragm. My arms start going numb. I am scared. I am so scared.

I am powerless. I am alone.

But, I'm not alone. And even though I am powerless, He isn't. He is all powerful...and we are working together to get through this!

There's more to this story....

and it sounds bleak, but I find new hope every day. I am working with an amazing doctor, an amazing husband, and an amazing Heavenly Father to get better, but I felt like I should be real about what its really like for me some days.

And what its like for you..

And what its like for millions of mammas out there.
But, lets talk about it. Lets be honest and open with each other so we can heal together! No one should have to go through this but, its so incredibly common and often undiagnosed. The more we talk about it, the more women we can help.

My sister and her children are doing really well, and are healthy, safe and happy. Her daughter got plastic surgery on her scalp, my nephew healed quickly from hitting his head, my little nephew was safe in the womb and is the craziest, cutest little thing! I was able to get chiropractic help and blessings from above to recover and Aiden was and is still perfectly healthy and happy. We were so incredibly blessed and watched over, and we still are!

There's more to talk about:)
PART TWO.....coming soon! :)