Ahhhem! Hemorrhoids.

Do you know how hard it is to spell hemorrhoids? Even spelling it is PAINFUL! In fact, the only reason I got it right(after a little help from spell check) is because I was starring at the box of suppositories(I call them bum bullets!) sitting on my bathroom sink this morning, wondering whether or not I should blog about these little nightmares. And, of course, the answer is always, "Yup!"

My sweet husband usually proofreads my latest blog posts before I post them on FB to check for errors, etc, and I usually get the same reaction from him:

"Wow, babe. Super funny! But, um, are you SURE you want people knowing that about you? Its kind of personal.."

He's always looking out for me.

But, in all fairness, I have worried that this blog might somehow backfire. Like someone might see me in a restaurant and be like, "Hey, any more good fart stories?"

Or someone might look at me and say, "Yup. I can see where those 28 pounds are going."

Luckily, nothing like that has happened.

In fact, I am sure I have made more friends BECAUSE of being maybe a little bit too honest. :)

So, with that in mind....let's talk about HEMORRHOIDS!

They are embarrassing. No butts about it! :)

And, no matter whether you have had them or not, you still tend to cringe in disgust when you hear about someone who has them or watch that awesome Preparation-H commercial where the people are literally squirming in their seats because it hurts to sit.

But, do to the MASSIVE amount of pressure on your rectum towards the last few weeks of pregnancy and the exertion and stress put there during labor, hemorrhoids are actually very common in pregnancy.

But, they're still gross. And painful. SO, laugh with me about it, will ya? Cuz that's how we cope.

Hemorroids hurt, pretty much all the time and are no respecter of persons...(anyone can get them..even this guy:

In fact, I'm positive I would actually have enjoyed Twilight if there were some hemorrhoid drama in there. I mean, vampire or not, you can't live THAT long without getting them. :)

And its VERY hard to hide the fact that you have them. You see this guy's face? I make that exact same face EVERY time I sit down. Yup. Pain...confusion....a complete lack of self-respect. You got it!

And I have tried just about everything out there too.

I remember calling my sister, who has had five children, and asking her what to do for my incredibly painful hemorrhoids during the last few weeks before I delivered my son. I ran down the list of products and methods I had used. She listened carefully as I exclaimed, "How do I get them to GO AWAY??!"

"Oh, that's easy." She said. "Just have the baby."

Of course. And she was right. Except that those little buggers(and they usually are anything but little) like to hang around after birth, just to remind you of how much you sacrificed to have that squishy, little baby.

SO, yeah. They don't go away...ever, actually. And they will flare up again with each pregnancy. You can opt to get them removed if they are numerous(my friend had six after her last baby), infected, or if they rupture. But for the most part, they do shrink, and you can forget about them....eventually.

We'll end with a story and I'll share with you the only tried and true method I have found to actually relieve the pain of hemorrhoids.

I asked my husband to get me some hemorrhoid cream from the store. It was bad. They popped up out of no where about a week ago and the pain was unbearable.

So he made a Wal-Mart trip with my toddler and managed to bring home chips and soda too. 'Cuz those actually help A LOT with hemorrhoids. :)

He handed my a package of suppositories(butt bullets) and apologized for not getting the cream instead. They didn't have any.

"Oh well," I thought. No biggie. I had used these things plenty of times before. I have lost all sense of dignity at this point in my pregnancy anyway....what's one more thing?

So I used one. And it is an incredibly awkward moment for anyone who has ever used a butt bullet. But, I started to feel a bit better, so, all was well.

Until I suddenly felt like I needed to go...number two.

Really? I thought. What a waste! Aarrrgh.

So I went number two. And re-deposited yet another butt bullet.

Which would have been fine, except that the EXACT SAME THING happened a few minutes later.
I had to go number two, AGAIN?? And then again, and then again. We're talking like 5 butt bullets in a matter of half an hour.

And what was worse, it sounded like something was exploding out of me each time. Like I was using those bullets as ammo in a bad WWII movie or something. And maybe someone would have died or at least gotten injured if they were a causality in this war or butt bullets!

P.S. If you haven't seen this YouTube Video of the farting Olympic skater, I highly recommend it. I laughed so I hard a I cried!

So, here I am, locked in the bathroom, already embarrassed about my plight, when I hear my husband walk by the door after I had, um, MASSIVELY farted for like a minute straight, only to hear him say, "Wow! Honey! Are you ok? Sheesh, babe!"

Apparently, hemorrhoid bullets can have a laxative effect on you. And I think "effect" is just putting it lightly....

Embarrassing? Gross? Too much information?

Of course. That's what this blog is about. Cuz that's what pregos do. We share way too much bodily information with perfect strangers:)

There is a happy ending to this story, though. And an even happier one that will be coming when the baby is out and post-partum is over!

But, the happy ending is that I actually found something that numbs the pain of hemorrhoids. Ready?

Canker sore ointment. That stuff you put on canker sores inside your mouth? I know, the relation of using the same ointment on two such distinctly different parts of your body sounds revolting, AND you definitely need to buy a new bottle if you decide to head south, but it WORKS!

You apply it where the swelling hurts the most, and it burns like nothing else for about 20 seconds, and then COMPLETELY NUMBS THE PAIN FOR HOURS. No joke.

Try it. You'll see what I mean.

So that's all for now. I can't sleep, I waddle uncontrollably when I walk, I have massive heartburn and stretch marks that look like I have been mauled by a bear, but I also have a sweet, little girl in my tummy who reminds me every day why I am doing this.

ONE MORE MONTH TO GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Heart-burned!

Aaaah, heartburn, we meet again!

Its not as if my love handles, stretch marks, and profuse sweating aren't attractive enough....lets add in massive, noxious gases rising through my esophagus at any given moment. THAT way, my husband will surely want to give me more babies some day. :)
I loved that this happened a few days ago...

Me: (leans in for a goodbye kiss)
Jess: (kisses me, cringes slightly, tries to HIDE that he is cringing)
Me: What? Is it my breath?
Jess: Um....(scared to say anything)
Me: It WAS my breath! Oh, sorry babe....this heartburn is killing me
Jess: It smells like, ya know, when someone is sick?.....(waiting for my reaction)
Me: Oh, you mean like, THROW UP? Awesome. Cuz I think I did just like throw up in my mouth, so I'll just avoid kissing you after that happens. <"not mad at you" smile>
Jess: Oh, um ok. <"really relieved he didn't make me cry" smile>

Lovely, eh?

And, of course, if you tell anyone that you (and your spouse) are suffering from your frequent heartburn they say things like:
     "Oh, thats good news! That means your baby will come out with LOTS of hair!"

Wouldn't it be GREAT if every nasty pregnancy symptom was accompanied by some blessed post-partum result, like:

"Oh, you're having frequent diarrhea? That means your son will be freakishly good-looking!"
OR
"Oh, you're sweating like a pig every night? Must be a little Mozart in there!"

But no, heartburn is the only symptom I've been congratulated on...

And I'm not celebrating. IN fact, I mourn the loss of my soul-satisfying pregnancy staples each time I see them:

And then, my mid-wife suggested TUMS.

"You mean those things that taste like chalk that my mom always eats?" I said to myself. "Not happening." But, my husband coerced me into getting some to help me sleep at night.

"I'll get you a really yummy kind this time." He said, trying to console me as I whined about having to eat those nasty things on the way home from my check-up.

I doubted that such a thing "yummy" TUMS existed and dreaded having to partake of the chalky little boogers.

 My husband came home with a bottle of TUMS that night and placed them on the table.

"Whenever you're ready..." he said, and walked away.

I stared at the bottle and suddenly felt like I was in a Western movie, right in the middle of a show down...

(ENTER random western showdown music) "cool whistle thing....waaah, waah, waah!")

It was just me, and the TUMS. And maybe some hay rolling in between us and some horses neighing in the background.....:)

WHY? You ask? Why the drama? Or Western reference?

Have you TRIED TUMS?....Its literally like going back into the 5th grade and having a bully make you eat chalk. And unless you have severe PICA(thats for my next post!) or are a toddler, its not going to be pleasant..

Then I thought about how it feels to lay down at night, eight months pregnant, after eating one of my two great loves in this life, pizza or cheeseburgers. It feels somethin' like this:

But, when you're desperate....

SO, I ate two of them. And they weren't that bad! In fact, I almost enjoyed myself.
I can now say that I am a believer of these little pills of goodness...they work like MAGIC!

Now, instead of feeling this way towards my favorite foods...

I can happily report that I am back in the game!

And although I have to wear a pregnancy jock-strap, I sweat like a pig, and I can't seem to not waddle when I walk, I still love the sweet little ninja inside of me who is worth every nasty, embarrassing burp.

Here's to pregnancy, in all its glory!