How to FIND your happy place to finally LOSE that weight!

I posted yesterday about my weight loss on Facebook and a few friends have asked what I've done.

I've actually been wanting to blog about it for a while now, but wanted to wait until I hit 30 lbs first.

 

Here's what I've done.

1. I read a book called Intuitive Eating

I didn't follow their program specifically, but three points that they emphasize CHANGED the way I approach dieting and exercising and made it possible for me to finally commit and succeed.

Here's what I took from it.
-any diet based on deprivation and guilt will fail
-exercise should be a pleasure, not a pain
-you need to be emotionally stable in order to achieve a healthy weight

Let me elaborate.

My thoughts on deprivation/dieting....

Any diet based on deprivation and guilt will fail. That means, if you feel deprived, you're gonna crash, guilt yourself, and give up.

This really made me think....isn't EVERY diet based on deprivation? How am I supposed to lose weight if I don't cut something out?

Then I realized that I needed to find a way to not feel deprived, no matter what diet I chose.

**Intuitive Eating recommends not dieting at all, but just listening to what your body wants and stopping when you are satisfied.

I hope I can get to that stage soon. I do not have the self control just yet to just tell myself "I'm done eating this now" and put it away, but I'm getting there...

So, I decided to calorie count first to teach my body how much it actually needs each day and I've finally been able to start listening to my body more and knowing when I have had enough or need more.

But, if you are needing to lose a large amount of weight(more than 10-15lbs), I say start with some training wheels first. All diets will help you lose weight, so pick one with the goal in mind that you will need to govern yourself without any help eventually.

Just make sure you know what you are getting yourself into, and be aware of which aspects of the diet might make you feel deprived and set a plan for overcoming those feelings or avoiding them entirely.


Here are the most common reasons I start feeling deprived and give up on a diet:

-I get bored of eating the same things over and over again
-I can't eat what everyone around me is eating(big one for me)
-I don't get to indulge a craving when I have it

If you look at diets you've quit over the years, you'll start to see patterns of common deprivation based reasons that you quit.

So, I had to figure out how to counteract these, because they would come up no matter what diet I tried.

Here's what I did/do/am still working on to avoid feelings of deprivation:

I try lots of different types of food. I log my food, so its easy for me to see when I've started eating the same things over and over again.
Like this morning, for example, I ate oatmeal because I have eaten eggs and bagels for breakfast almost every day this week. I knew that I would start feeling deprived, so I chose something I haven't eaten in a while and mixed it up a bit with walnuts and peaches instead of bananas like I used a few weeks ago.

Be creative!

...and what I do to deal with feeling like I can't eat what everyone around me is eating:

This is a really hard one for me.

I used to hate going to parties when I was dieting. I'd either have to bring my own food(too much extra work and takes the fun out of going to a party) or try to avoid eating at all(which was pretty much impossible) or only eat like a stick of celery or something.

I would always end of cheating, feeling really guilty, binging on everything when I got back home, and giving up on whatever diet I was doing a few days later.

Does that sound familiar??:)

Now, I do this instead:

I save up my calories for the party by eating fruits and veggies during the day, or I exercise before/after the party, or I eat what I want at the party and cut extra calories to make up for it the next day.
I've been so much happier doing this instead. Then, I can eat what everyone else is eating and enjoy myself.
I no longer feel like "the fat girl who's on diet" at parties on a dates.

...and what I do when I have cravings:

I eat what I am craving!

If I want chocolate, I eat it. BUT, I only eat what I can "afford".

I heard an analogy for making good choices that really resonates with me because it has to do with my second love, SHOPPING:)

Here it is:
     Start looking at food labels like price tags....is this food a good "deal"? Are you getting your money's worth? Can you "afford" it?

I love this.

It makes so much sense to me, because I am a bargain shopper, so I started looking at food the same way I look at shopping.

For example:
I see my favorite chocolate bar. The entire bar is 850 calories. Yup. I think to myself, "Can I afford this?"(Do I have enough calories left to "pay" for it? If I can, I eat the whole thing.
No guilt whatsoever.

If I can't "afford" it, I decide how much I can afford and either buy a smaller version, which you can usually find, or eat the amount I can "afford" and give the rest away.

My sister bought me a large, Costco chocolate sheet cake for my birthday, per my request, and after my birthday dinner, I was left with almost an entire cake left. I can't even guess how many calories that was!!

I felt really conflicted about what to do...it was MY cake, right? And a gift:) I asked my sister if she would mind if I gave some away to neighbors? She said she didn't, so I cut it up, divided it onto plates and bowls, and gave spent the next two days giving it away!

Thanks to those of you who graciously accepted it!

It was such a break-through for me. I knew that keeping all that cake in my house something I could not afford. It would be way too tempting. So, I kept two pieces and gave the rest away.

Please eat chocolate. Please eat treats.

Just don't eat the whole thing if you can't afford to.

My thoughts on exercise:

Don't do it unless it makes you happy. If you are forcing yourself, you'll fail.

This was a huge breakthrough for me I thought that in order to lose weight, I need to force myself to exercise...which, looking back on it now, seems even sillier to me. If you have to force yourself, it means you don't want to do something.
Plain and simple, right?

Intuitive eating talks about learning to love moving your body.

I love that, too!

If you are moving, you are burning!

Look for activities that get you moving and count those! Playing with your kids, walking around the mall with your husband, those are exercises!

I used to think that if I needed to lose a lot of weight, that I needed to buy an expensive gym membership, get a personal trainer, etc.

They say not to focus on "a good workout", but on a good experience. That means that walking around the mall on a Saturday, or playing with your kids outside are successful exercises. Isn't that great? If you loved your body, and you feel uplifted afterwards, you exercised!! Congrats. :)

I believe that you should only exercise if you look forward to it. If it becomes another check list item or even a source of stress in your life, its counterproductive.

Finally, I saved the best piece of advice for last.

You won't be happy because you have lost weight, you will lose weight because you are happy.

 If you are struggling emotionally, you will struggle physically.

I really believe that.

If you have tried and tried and TRIED every diet and failed. Start by working back words.

Why did you gain the weight in the first place?

I can tell you exactly where each 10-15 extra pounds came from. Marathon recovery, miscarriage, in-law troubles, pregnancy woes, PPD, pregnancy woes, PPD. And there you go. :)

Sit down and have an honest conversation with yourself, and your spouse or loved one(if you feel comfortable) and talk about what has brought the weight on.

Are you feeling overworked? Are you not sleeping well? Are you struggling with depression/anxiety? Are you lonely?

I really, truly believe with all my heart that you'll figure out whats bothering you if you try and DIG DEEP.

After having my son, I knew something wasn't right with me....I didn't feel like myself. And as I started to look back even further, I realized that I had started behaving strangely in college. That's also when I started really struggling with my weight.

Surprise? No, not really....
I saw my doctor and was diagnosed with anxiety.

I started realizing that I had been self-medicating with food since college! Whenever I would feel anxious, I would eat to calm myself down.

Bingo.

Every diet failed because my mind was failing me. Not my willpower. Not my body, my mind.

So, before you decide on a new diet plan, ask yourself this:

Why did I gain this weight in the first place?

And you will set the foundation for a healthy weight loss plan.

Last thought:

Weight loss does not happen easily.

Weight loss does not happen easily.

Weight loss does not happen easily.

It just doesn't.  Its HARD. I still have to re-motivate myself. All. The. Time.

But...I know now why the weight is there, and I'm working on that first, every day. From every angle. I catch myself eating when my anxiety is bad. And I stop. And that made all the difference for me, personally.
And my body is losing weight. Its is going away. Slowly, but surely.

So, don't give up! Love your amazing body and give your mind a makeover first. Then, you're body will have no choice but to come along and enjoy the ride!

Love,
Liz

                    

Let it go.

     Do you remember, about a year or so ago, when every other post on your FB feed was some blog post about the "true meaning behind the Disney movie, Frozen"?


     I don't know about you, but my feed was INUNDATED with them. Some of them were good, most of them were hostile, one was really funny, and another was incredibly offensive.

    And lets not forget the many blog posts about the meaning of "Let it Go". After reading so many of those posts, I decided that the song "Let it Go" could really only be about two subjects:

1. Horrible trapped gas in your gut after eating Mexican food
2. Or facing your fears

Or, if your fear is having trapped gas from eating Mexican food, just face it, and let it go!

 

  But, this time, for the benefit and enlightenment of those of you who struggle with PPD, Anxiety/Depression, Bi-Polar Disorder, etc.

 

This one's for you.

 

10 things Frozen taught me about mental illness

 

1. Let it Go

Don't be afraid to tell your friends and loved ones that you struggle with a mental illness

 

 

Unexplained absences, mood swings, and withdrawal from friends and loved ones is confusing and hurtful to them if you haven't explained what causes you to do those things.

 

I told a friend the other day that I really couldn't handle going to really busy places with my two kids, without the help of my husband because it makes my anxiety flare up. So, she (and you know who you are) graciously invited me on a Saturday, instead of a weekday, so that my husband could come with me, and it meant a lot to me. But, if I hadn't told her about my struggle, she would probably have just thought I was avoiding her by refusing her invites from previous months.

 

You see, it really is freeing. Try it. I promise it will makes life easier for you.

 

2. Don't hide

Going out with friends, as alluded to above, is incredibly therapeutic.

 

 

Set up play dates, girls' night outs, whatever gets you socializing and out of your house. Although its hard initially, it pays off EXPONENTIALLY the more you try.

 

3. Seek help

Whichever route you choose, get professional help immediately.

 

 

4. Fear IS your enemy

But you shouldn't let it consume you. Whatever "flavor" or "flavors" of mental illness you have, you still have to cope with your fears. Repressing them only makes them worse. To coin a Frozen phrase as it should have been written:

 

"Feel. Don't conceal."

 

 

 

Some common fears include the following:

 

"What if my family/friends treat me differently?"

"What if my spouse won't understand when I am having a bad day?"

"What if the medication I am taking doesn't work?"

"How is this going to affect my social life?"

 

Let yourself feel. Its a good thing. Repressing negative emotion is like leaving a splinter in your hand....it will only hurt more, it doesn't usually go away on its own, and it will cause more damage if left inside.

 

5. Don't judge

Many people misunderstand mental illness and try to offer advice that is offensive or that makes your struggles worse.

 

 

The father's efforts to help Elsa are misguided, but intended to help. I always laugh at the scene where Grandpabbi tells Elsa that fear will be her enemy, and the Dad chimes in with, in effect:

"I got it! Lets hide her from everyone, tell her that she's weird, and teach her to repress her feelings. That ought to do it."

Yyyyyeah. Good thinking, papa.

 

I told someone once that I had PPD and they told me I should just try to focus on happy thoughts.

Good intentions? Yes.

Helpful advice? No, not for me anyway.

 

Should I write a blog post about what NOT to say to someone with PPD? No. I think we should realize that they are trying to help, and forgive the offense, even if their efforts were misguided, insensitive, or just plain rude.

Forgive. :)

 

6. Take responsibility

We sometimes inadvertently hurt those we love. Everyone does this. But, I think sometimes we can be in denial about the effects that our inward struggles have on those closest to us.

 

 

There are so many good people around us who will experience their own personal trial because they are trying to help you with yours.

 

For example: Spouses.

 

They are often silent victims and they need to be cared for just as much as they are caring for you.

Here's some advice on how to help them:

 

1. Warn them, gently, if you are struggling more than normal that day or week

 

2. Let them express THEIR fears and concerns about your struggles without judging them or becoming defensive

 

3. Give them a break. Let them go do something fun as regularly as possible to help them feel refreshed.

 

4. Don't expect them to be your therapist, but allow them to be your best friend

5. Thank them often for their love and patience

 

6. Praise them for their efforts to help you heal and deal with your struggles

 

 

7. Let them in

There are many people around you that are willing to help. Just let them in.

 

 

I actually REALLY struggle with this one.

Why?

Because I feel like asking for help is admitting defeat.

Or, at least, I did until today....

 

Think of it this way. In war, do we criticize the strategy of finding strong allies in an effort to defeat a common foe? Of course not. Its brilliant. It shows strength, wisdom, and faith. Faith in others.

 

So does asking for help and accepting it when its offered.

 

We ALL need allies.

 

If someone offered to babysit and give you a break, take it.

If someone said to call them anytime you need something, call them.

If someone recommended something that might help you, try it.

 

Let them in. You'll be so glad you did!

 

8. Your struggle doesn't define you

Think of it as your own little ice monster.

 

 

Yes, its there. And its loud. And you feel like its out of control sometimes. But, all it really needs is a tiara...:)

 

Try to differentiate between yourself and your illness. Yes, I have PPD. Its my little monster. But, its not who I am. It comes out sometimes when I am afraid, but it does not define me.

 

I am still me. And I am loved.

 

 

9. Find purpose

Can you find lessons learned and ways to serve through your illness? Yes.

 

 

 

That, for me personally, is the answer I've received as to why I have this struggle right now in my life. To teach me to be humble, to serve others, and to grow closer to God.

 

This little girl stated it so beautifully in The Friend magazine, a monthly publication by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, when she said,

 

"I have anxiety. Which is when you get very nervous. It is not fun to have! On the other hand, I am kind of glad to have it because it helps me grow stronger in faith, prayer, and testimony. Heavenly Father helps me through hard times to overcome my anxiety."

-Annelise D., age 10 Texas, USA

 

Amen. Couldn't have said it better myself.

 

"Out of the mouth of babes", right?

 

Which leads me to my final and most important advice....

 

10. Seek help from Above

 

God is perfectly aware of us. I have learned this more from having PPD than I have at any other time in my life. And I'm pretty sure that's why I have it.

 

 He strengthens me every time I seek His help.

 He is there.

 And he will succor us in our time of need.

 

He brings the summer back into our lives. And hope into our hearts.

 

 

 

 

 

And when your fear seems to overwhelm you, and the world closes in, and you feel like you are carrying a weight you cannot be relieved of....

 

Let it go.

 

And let God.

 

 

I hope this was helpful. Remember, you're not alone. Hope is always there! :)

-Liz

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My thoughts on post-partum depression/anxiety....PART ONE.

I'm currently stress-eating some juicy fruit gum because I am so nervous about writing this post.....
But here goes:

I have post-partum depression.

What is it? I think a more accurate question might be, what ISN'T it?

Its not easy.

And even though its incredibly debilitating, I didn't even know I had it....

So my purpose in writing this is to get the word out. To start more conversations about this disease. To find healing through shared experience...

How is it possible that I didn't even know I had post-partum depression? I'll do my best to explain and hopefully those of you who have wondered if you have it will gain the extra courage it takes to start down the road to recovery!

Flash back almost two years ago.....

Aiden and I were on our way to my sister's house, with my other sister and her kids on a busy highway in January. I heard Aiden crying hysterically and decided to get out of my seat to help him.

A small, quiet voice inside my head immediately responded with, "Don't get up. Its dangerous."
I ignored it and got up anyway....

The next thing I knew, my body was being thrown around that minivan like a rag doll on a rollercoaster...we were swerving all over the highway and there was nothing holding me back from smashing into each side of the inside of the van with every swerve we made.

I could feel the searing pain...but I had no idea where it hurt. I heard crashing and screaming....I later learned the person screaming was me....

My body was thrown hard against the captain's chair my niece was sitting in for the third time and I could hear myself saying...."Please, help us GOD......please help us!!!!"

I was gonna die.

We were swerving uncontrollably on the busiest highway in Utah ....in the fast lane. I waited for someone to hit us....My mind quickly moved to the thought of my sweet baby screaming hysterically in his car seat beside me.

Suddenly, a peace came over me....its was over.

I opened my eyes and was lying flat on my back in between the two captain's seats in the minivan. I blinked for a moment. Was I paralyzed? My back felt crushed....my arms felt broken. But there was no pain.

"I'm just going to see if I can lift my head up.." I thought to myself.

I slowly lifted my head and squinted at the sunshine streaming through the broken back window..

...and then I saw her...

My eyes moved to  the screaming and wailing I heard in the captain's chair I had crashed into so many times.

It was my niece....she was covered in blood. I lifted myself up more to try to get to her just as my 7-month pregnant sister who was driving was frantically trying to get the side door open to get to her as well. I watched her finally reach in, unbuckle my niece, and pull her out through the broken door window....

"Her head...oh my gosh....HER HEAD!!!" My sister grabbed a sweatshirt and pressed it to my niece's scalp....blood was gushing from it.

We learned later that she had smashed her head on shattered glass that literally scalped her....

Then the panic really set in....was she gonna die??

I could barely move but I forced myself up to see if my nephew  in the back seat was ok...

He was crying...and had a large abrasion on his forehead, but no blood.
I looked past him at out the broken window and gasped.

We had stopped in the middle of the fast lane.

I could see cars slamming on the brakes and swerving to miss us....

"Oh my gosh....oh my gosh...we need to get out of here...NOW!" I thought to myself. I crawled to the back seat over all the broken glass and grabbed my nephew.

Suddenly, I heard a voice saying....."Give him to me. Come on hurry. Give him to me."

A man was standing outside the broken side window with his arms stretched out...I carefully handed my nephew to him, trying not to slice his belly on the broken shards of glass poking up out of the window.

My baby....my baby!!

I suddenly realized he was crying too....it felt like I had cotton balls in my ears and everything was in slow motion.

"I'm in shock..." I told myself. "I can't feel any pain. I must be in shock."

I tried to clear my thoughts and I turned to my baby's car seat and lifted the visor.

And there he was.....perfect. Not a scratch. Not a piece of glass in sight.

He starting crying harder when he recognized me.

Suddenly, the other side door pulled open and a woman starting yelling at me.

"Are you ok? Are you ok??!" She screamed over the sound of the rushing traffic.
"Myyyy...my baby. Take my baby." I could barely get the words out. It hurt to talk. I bit down to try and annunciate better and realized I was crunching on something. I spit it out.
It was glass. And parts of my teeth...

"Oh honey!..." I heard the woman say. "I came right to you! I watched the whole accident happen from right behind you. Honey, you were thrown around like a rag doll. We need to get you to the hospital. I'm gonna take your baby to this nice lady's car....ok? Honey? Can you hear me?"

I just started blankly at her.

"She's in shock." Another woman said. "I'm an off-duty paramedic. Let me check the baby."

"I'm gonna check your baby, ok? " She said to me. I nodded.

"He looks good but we need to keep him in the car seat, ok? He could have trauma to his neck."

She unbuckled him and took him away.

The next few minutes are a blur to me...Someone found my phone and called my husband.

Two ambulances came.

Police and other drivers were everywhere.

I ended up in an ambulance. I remember lying there, staring back over my shoulder at my nephew in a head brace.

THEN it happened.

I felt like someone wrapped their hand around my ribs and started crushing them....I started wheezing. My head started spinning,,

"I....I....can....I can't, can't breathe!" I gasped as the words try to come out.

The next thing I knew, the paramedics were surrounding me. Oxygen mask....blood pressure cuff...I was being strapped down to a board. Something was being wrapped around me head.

My arms went numb first. Then my legs. Then my sight started to fade.

I had finally came out of shock and started trying to process the emotions I was feeling. My mind was so overwhelmed by the intense emotion and exhaustion that my body started shutting down.

It was like someone was sucking the life out of me.

It was a panic attack......



So, what does this have to do with post-partum depression/anxiety?

I have panic attacks now. Not because glass is shattering, my body is breaking, and my world is being destroyed....but because my son is crying, again. And my baby just spit up. And we have no groceries. And there are dirty diapers sitting on my floor. And my husband has no clean clothes. And I'm supposed to make food for someone... And....and.....and.

And that's my story. I have post-partum depression/anxiety and my day-today life feels like a car accident from two years ago. Everything crashing down around me and I am powerless. And when the exhaustion takes over and my mind tried to comprehend all the stress and emotion I am feeling, my body starts shutting down. I can't breathe. I feel like I have a Charlie-horse in my diaphragm. My arms start going numb. I am scared. I am so scared.

I am powerless. I am alone.

But, I'm not alone. And even though I am powerless, He isn't. He is all powerful...and we are working together to get through this!

There's more to this story....

and it sounds bleak, but I find new hope every day. I am working with an amazing doctor, an amazing husband, and an amazing Heavenly Father to get better, but I felt like I should be real about what its really like for me some days.

And what its like for you..

And what its like for millions of mammas out there.
But, lets talk about it. Lets be honest and open with each other so we can heal together! No one should have to go through this but, its so incredibly common and often undiagnosed. The more we talk about it, the more women we can help.

My sister and her children are doing really well, and are healthy, safe and happy. Her daughter got plastic surgery on her scalp, my nephew healed quickly from hitting his head, my little nephew was safe in the womb and is the craziest, cutest little thing! I was able to get chiropractic help and blessings from above to recover and Aiden was and is still perfectly healthy and happy. We were so incredibly blessed and watched over, and we still are!

There's more to talk about:)
PART TWO.....coming soon! :)

Ahhhem! Hemorrhoids.

Do you know how hard it is to spell hemorrhoids? Even spelling it is PAINFUL! In fact, the only reason I got it right(after a little help from spell check) is because I was starring at the box of suppositories(I call them bum bullets!) sitting on my bathroom sink this morning, wondering whether or not I should blog about these little nightmares. And, of course, the answer is always, "Yup!"

My sweet husband usually proofreads my latest blog posts before I post them on FB to check for errors, etc, and I usually get the same reaction from him:

"Wow, babe. Super funny! But, um, are you SURE you want people knowing that about you? Its kind of personal.."

He's always looking out for me.

But, in all fairness, I have worried that this blog might somehow backfire. Like someone might see me in a restaurant and be like, "Hey, any more good fart stories?"

Or someone might look at me and say, "Yup. I can see where those 28 pounds are going."

Luckily, nothing like that has happened.

In fact, I am sure I have made more friends BECAUSE of being maybe a little bit too honest. :)

So, with that in mind....let's talk about HEMORRHOIDS!

They are embarrassing. No butts about it! :)

And, no matter whether you have had them or not, you still tend to cringe in disgust when you hear about someone who has them or watch that awesome Preparation-H commercial where the people are literally squirming in their seats because it hurts to sit.

But, do to the MASSIVE amount of pressure on your rectum towards the last few weeks of pregnancy and the exertion and stress put there during labor, hemorrhoids are actually very common in pregnancy.

But, they're still gross. And painful. SO, laugh with me about it, will ya? Cuz that's how we cope.

Hemorroids hurt, pretty much all the time and are no respecter of persons...(anyone can get them..even this guy:

In fact, I'm positive I would actually have enjoyed Twilight if there were some hemorrhoid drama in there. I mean, vampire or not, you can't live THAT long without getting them. :)

And its VERY hard to hide the fact that you have them. You see this guy's face? I make that exact same face EVERY time I sit down. Yup. Pain...confusion....a complete lack of self-respect. You got it!

And I have tried just about everything out there too.

I remember calling my sister, who has had five children, and asking her what to do for my incredibly painful hemorrhoids during the last few weeks before I delivered my son. I ran down the list of products and methods I had used. She listened carefully as I exclaimed, "How do I get them to GO AWAY??!"

"Oh, that's easy." She said. "Just have the baby."

Of course. And she was right. Except that those little buggers(and they usually are anything but little) like to hang around after birth, just to remind you of how much you sacrificed to have that squishy, little baby.

SO, yeah. They don't go away...ever, actually. And they will flare up again with each pregnancy. You can opt to get them removed if they are numerous(my friend had six after her last baby), infected, or if they rupture. But for the most part, they do shrink, and you can forget about them....eventually.

We'll end with a story and I'll share with you the only tried and true method I have found to actually relieve the pain of hemorrhoids.

I asked my husband to get me some hemorrhoid cream from the store. It was bad. They popped up out of no where about a week ago and the pain was unbearable.

So he made a Wal-Mart trip with my toddler and managed to bring home chips and soda too. 'Cuz those actually help A LOT with hemorrhoids. :)

He handed my a package of suppositories(butt bullets) and apologized for not getting the cream instead. They didn't have any.

"Oh well," I thought. No biggie. I had used these things plenty of times before. I have lost all sense of dignity at this point in my pregnancy anyway....what's one more thing?

So I used one. And it is an incredibly awkward moment for anyone who has ever used a butt bullet. But, I started to feel a bit better, so, all was well.

Until I suddenly felt like I needed to go...number two.

Really? I thought. What a waste! Aarrrgh.

So I went number two. And re-deposited yet another butt bullet.

Which would have been fine, except that the EXACT SAME THING happened a few minutes later.
I had to go number two, AGAIN?? And then again, and then again. We're talking like 5 butt bullets in a matter of half an hour.

And what was worse, it sounded like something was exploding out of me each time. Like I was using those bullets as ammo in a bad WWII movie or something. And maybe someone would have died or at least gotten injured if they were a causality in this war or butt bullets!

P.S. If you haven't seen this YouTube Video of the farting Olympic skater, I highly recommend it. I laughed so I hard a I cried!

So, here I am, locked in the bathroom, already embarrassed about my plight, when I hear my husband walk by the door after I had, um, MASSIVELY farted for like a minute straight, only to hear him say, "Wow! Honey! Are you ok? Sheesh, babe!"

Apparently, hemorrhoid bullets can have a laxative effect on you. And I think "effect" is just putting it lightly....

Embarrassing? Gross? Too much information?

Of course. That's what this blog is about. Cuz that's what pregos do. We share way too much bodily information with perfect strangers:)

There is a happy ending to this story, though. And an even happier one that will be coming when the baby is out and post-partum is over!

But, the happy ending is that I actually found something that numbs the pain of hemorrhoids. Ready?

Canker sore ointment. That stuff you put on canker sores inside your mouth? I know, the relation of using the same ointment on two such distinctly different parts of your body sounds revolting, AND you definitely need to buy a new bottle if you decide to head south, but it WORKS!

You apply it where the swelling hurts the most, and it burns like nothing else for about 20 seconds, and then COMPLETELY NUMBS THE PAIN FOR HOURS. No joke.

Try it. You'll see what I mean.

So that's all for now. I can't sleep, I waddle uncontrollably when I walk, I have massive heartburn and stretch marks that look like I have been mauled by a bear, but I also have a sweet, little girl in my tummy who reminds me every day why I am doing this.

ONE MORE MONTH TO GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Heart-burned!

Aaaah, heartburn, we meet again!

Its not as if my love handles, stretch marks, and profuse sweating aren't attractive enough....lets add in massive, noxious gases rising through my esophagus at any given moment. THAT way, my husband will surely want to give me more babies some day. :)
I loved that this happened a few days ago...

Me: (leans in for a goodbye kiss)
Jess: (kisses me, cringes slightly, tries to HIDE that he is cringing)
Me: What? Is it my breath?
Jess: Um....(scared to say anything)
Me: It WAS my breath! Oh, sorry babe....this heartburn is killing me
Jess: It smells like, ya know, when someone is sick?.....(waiting for my reaction)
Me: Oh, you mean like, THROW UP? Awesome. Cuz I think I did just like throw up in my mouth, so I'll just avoid kissing you after that happens. <"not mad at you" smile>
Jess: Oh, um ok. <"really relieved he didn't make me cry" smile>

Lovely, eh?

And, of course, if you tell anyone that you (and your spouse) are suffering from your frequent heartburn they say things like:
     "Oh, thats good news! That means your baby will come out with LOTS of hair!"

Wouldn't it be GREAT if every nasty pregnancy symptom was accompanied by some blessed post-partum result, like:

"Oh, you're having frequent diarrhea? That means your son will be freakishly good-looking!"
OR
"Oh, you're sweating like a pig every night? Must be a little Mozart in there!"

But no, heartburn is the only symptom I've been congratulated on...

And I'm not celebrating. IN fact, I mourn the loss of my soul-satisfying pregnancy staples each time I see them:

And then, my mid-wife suggested TUMS.

"You mean those things that taste like chalk that my mom always eats?" I said to myself. "Not happening." But, my husband coerced me into getting some to help me sleep at night.

"I'll get you a really yummy kind this time." He said, trying to console me as I whined about having to eat those nasty things on the way home from my check-up.

I doubted that such a thing "yummy" TUMS existed and dreaded having to partake of the chalky little boogers.

 My husband came home with a bottle of TUMS that night and placed them on the table.

"Whenever you're ready..." he said, and walked away.

I stared at the bottle and suddenly felt like I was in a Western movie, right in the middle of a show down...

(ENTER random western showdown music) "cool whistle thing....waaah, waah, waah!")

It was just me, and the TUMS. And maybe some hay rolling in between us and some horses neighing in the background.....:)

WHY? You ask? Why the drama? Or Western reference?

Have you TRIED TUMS?....Its literally like going back into the 5th grade and having a bully make you eat chalk. And unless you have severe PICA(thats for my next post!) or are a toddler, its not going to be pleasant..

Then I thought about how it feels to lay down at night, eight months pregnant, after eating one of my two great loves in this life, pizza or cheeseburgers. It feels somethin' like this:

But, when you're desperate....

SO, I ate two of them. And they weren't that bad! In fact, I almost enjoyed myself.
I can now say that I am a believer of these little pills of goodness...they work like MAGIC!

Now, instead of feeling this way towards my favorite foods...

I can happily report that I am back in the game!

And although I have to wear a pregnancy jock-strap, I sweat like a pig, and I can't seem to not waddle when I walk, I still love the sweet little ninja inside of me who is worth every nasty, embarrassing burp.

Here's to pregnancy, in all its glory!

Embrace your inner sumo!

Lets just start with a quick recap of Jess and I's conversation from Saturday, shall we?..

Jess: Got a surprise for you!
Me: Oooh, nice.(Hoping its chocolate, or something that is smothered in chocolate)
(Jess walks over to me and hands me a brown Amazon package)
Me:......My jock strap!!! Yay!!!

"Jock strap??" You say, with a worried, puzzled, slightly offended look on your face...
Yup!
My prego jock strap that I ordered finally came in the mail.

NO amount of chocolate could compensate for the amount of joy this little lady brings to a pregnant women!
How did I get to this point? Lets go back a few weeks...

I was lying in my bed a few weeks earlier, pretending that I was falling asleep. You see, I go through this same routine every night. Roll around., stuff some pillows, go pee a couple of times, scratch my belly as if I had contracted some sort of plague on it...roll around some more, open a window, and by about 3-4AM, I am OUT, like a light.

Pleasant, yeah? I know all my fellow former and current pregos are probably saying, "Yup, sounds about right!"

Disastrous. EVERY NIGHT.

But this one night in particular, I began my usual toss and turn routine with one particular turn that could have started World War III, if any of the world wars involved prego women who just wanted to kill something...

I tried turning over to my right side, but was having little success due to the entanglement of my legs in my favorite comforter. I growled(yup, I growl) at my stupid comforter and then decided to orchestrate some sort of ninja kick to get my right leg out of the tangled comforter so I could turn over.

And then it happened....

I flung my right leg out of the covers and SNAP!, I felt like I had just ripped a whole in my womanhood.
Yeah.
OUCH!

I laid there in shock for minute and then let out a yell and started whimpering in pain.

Did I just give birth?

WHAT happened?

Suddenly, I felt like someone had kicked me. In my womanhood. And it was bad.

(Just in case you are wondering what I might be talking about, feel free to watch this part of What to Expect When You Are Expecting...)

Apparently, I had just put my body through some pretty extreme torture without even realizing it.

I eventually shed a few tears and fell asleep.
The next morning, I had an apt with my mid-wife and I explained to her that something wasn't feeling so good in the South Pole..
So, like a good lady doctor, she checked things out and told me I had varicose veins caused by the intense pressure of the weight of my belly bearing down on my womanhood.

Aaaah, yes, GREAT! Vericose veins....there??? Um. (In my mind I'm thinking..."should I blog about this??" :)

She proceeds to tell me about these wonderful "support devices" that help carry the weight of the baby and add compression to your womanhood to keep from injuring yourself(too late!), swelling, or in worse case scenarios, having a pre-term labor.

She highly recommended/prescribed one of them for me and promised "all would be well". If I got one....

I brought the brochure out to my sweet husband who wrestles with our toddler in the waiting room after we've heard the heartbeat and I have to talk "logistics" with my mid-wife.

"Honey, look!" I said, pointing to the picture of a woman, dressed in eighties aerobics gear wearing what looked like a jock strap, "look what I'M buying for you!" (wink, wink)

I was hoping he would think it was pregnancy lingerie....which, is kind of an oxy-moron, in my book anyway! :)

My version on pregnancy lingerie looks a bit more like THIS!

 

He gave me this really sweet look like,"Aaw, good idea honey!" And we both had a laugh at my expense....:)

 

On the way back home, I thought of as many jokes as possible to take my mind of the lack of sexiness that was about to become my life for the next two and half months..

 

I snorted out, already laughing at my own jokes I was telling myself in my head to keep from feeling depressed about my new life. "I could like buy a football jersey and just wear that with this thing, yeah? Lingerie, schmon-gerie!"

 

"Or, oooh, like a just a baseball helmet and that? Hahahaha?"(Again, this was all to myself... in my head)

 

So, fast forward two weeks or so as my husband hands me the package and I open it. Out comes my prego jock strap, in all its glory.

 

 

"Hey look!" I say to Jess, "it's got LACE on the crotch. Well, that does it. This is the sexiest thing I have EVER seen."

 

And with that, I went into our bathroom, put it on over my undergarments, and opened the door for my husband to see....

 

"Honey, check this out!" I said, and began my slapping my thighs in a crotched position in my best attempts to impersonate a sumo wrestler....

 

 

 









My husband laughed, gave me a wink and said, "You know, its really not that bad!"
Husband of the year?
You betcha.

SO, I decided to embrace my inner sumo, and so should you. Here's why:

1. The minute I put in on I felt 10 pounds lighter
2. My back stopped hurting
3. My hips felt like they were going to stay together instead of rip apart
4. My sciatic nerve stopped flaring up
5. I had more energy and LESS anger
6. It gave me an INSTANT BUTT LIFT.

The last reason ALONE should be enough, right? Instead of a nice slap to your buttocks-shaped jello mold, your husband will get a firm toosh slap, worthy of admiration!
So if that isn't enough to convince you to get one of these babies, these lacy sumo-jock straps, then you need to just get one and try it for yourself. If you are struggling with any of the above ailments and are anywhere from 20-39 weeks, I HIGHLY recommend these.

Because hey, your worth it. :)